Saturday, July 14, 2012

Fear

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
 - Frank Herbert, Dune

When I think of fear and overcoming it, this is what I think of.  The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.  And that's because it's absolutely true.  Fear will kill you quicker than anything else.  You will still be walking around, but you will be dead inside.  If you let fear take you over then you just haven't lain down yet, but you are dead where it truly counts.

I spend more time than I want to admit living in fear.  I fear disappointing those around me.  I fear taking the wrong step so much that some days I don't take any at all and that is never the right choice.  I even fear succeeding at the things I want to succeed at.

I really want to feel truly free to write whatever comes to my mind on this blog, but I fear the reactions of those closest to me.  I would hate to hurt them because of something I said on here.

I am not the most private person.  My concept of modesty involves figuring out what the people around me are comfortable with and trying not to overstep that line.  This extends itself to pretty much every part of my life.  I will talk about the deep details of any number of things most people believe are improper topics for public discussion, sex and its related subjects being the most obvious of those.  Not talking about something tends to make me feel rather uncomfortable and yet, the fear of offending or freaking out my friends makes me break out in a fine sweat.  How does one balance this when keeping your mouth shut is not the default response for you?

I'm tired of letting fear rule me, and yet I still value the good will of those closest to me that I continue to hesitate letting go and actually saying what I'm truly thinking at any given moment.  There must be a better way.

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